no love lost _ a zine about love // the way à deux is only half thus far.

i am currently working on a my personal zine MOMO 2 this issue will be called no love lost. a zine about love, relationships and freedom. i finished the texts three months ago but i couldn’t find the time and the mood to put everything together. and it is something so personal, however hard i try to hide myself between and behind the words. but i decided to go for it, so while writing these lines i am sitting right in front of my desk which is covered by paper, pens and books and i am looking forward to finish it soon. what i always loved about zines is that you open then and another person gives you a glance in their inner world. here is one of the texts for momo two. i am writing in this zine about my friends and things i love, but also about all the critique i am having about our ideas of romantic love. this is what i am refering to in the beginning of this text. i will upload this text another time. the way à deux is only half thus far is about what i think relationships should be like.

// the way à deux is only half thus far.

i don’t want to deconstruct this whole idea about romantic relationships and love. head and heart are far away from being one. and in spite of the heartache and in spite of the danger, it can be worth it.

having a romantic relationship means several things for me: first of all and most important are loyalty, trust and honesty. a relationship is something that starts when two persons decide to stay with each other because they are feeling a strong connection.

a connection that isn’t based upon dependence. i think this is the biggest poison for relationships – dependence. of course whether we want or not open our heart to another person always makes us vulnerable, it’s hard to avoid expectations and at some point we start to rely on the other person. but it shouldn’t be – you are my reason to get up, you are my one and only. for me loving someone is far away from owning someone else. loving means to esteem someone and not making another person responsible for yourself and your luck. i don’t want to be someone’s property and i don’t want to own someone.

a friend said once: i was always angry about myself when i was getting jealous, now i realized it isn’t about this feeling, it is about what you let it do with you and your behaviour. i think ze is right.

maybe there are people who don’t know how it feels to be jealous and can live happy in their queer polyamorous world. i am probably not one of these persons. i am questioning the idea of exclusivity and i am aware of the fact that we can love more than one person {and that love is really something that doesn’t shrink, if you share it} but at some point i realized that the idea of complete freedom is an illusion as well as the idea of complete safety in togetherness. polyamory  can become a prison, too. there’s always a flip side. in many respects it is a more honest appreciation of the complexity emotions and relationships in general, but that doesn’t mean it is right for everyone. i can understand why people want to secure their luck in a more exclusive kind of romantic relationship.

i really want to believe that two (or more) adult persons should be able to define together their own form of romantic relationship that makes them feel comfortable. and tough all theoretical thoughts about romantic relationships – praxis is something so different and probably there are as many different forms of relationships as there are people out there.

these are really serious thoughts … but i am never forgetting that relationships are mainly something positive, it’s about laughing, smiling, kissing, sharing and creating together. there’s happiness that needs to be shared.

i really want to believe that two persons can be free together.

there are lots of thoughts, experiences and feelings in here – but today i realized that i missed several things. three years ago a journey started when i discovered that i am queer somehow and that romantic relationships really aren’t what i expected them to be. today i see myself more in a kind of network of people who do mean a lot to me and with everyone i am having a very special relationship. and obviously there isn’t a clear label for every of these relationships. every person and the relationship we are having are special and unique. no one could be replaced or replace someone else. it’s really interesting to see how the relationships are developing over the time. there can be a small universe that connects you with someone. because they are the way they are and you are the way you are and there is this really special way of being with each other. i think it is really difficult to see the other people how they are and not the way we want to see them – i mean a kind of projection of our needs. at least to approve someone with all their strength and even more with their weakness is what matters for me. but it can be so difficult to deal with my needs – there’s a wish of being close, a need for nearness and security, but also for freedom and curiosity. i find myself trapped in antagonisms. and how shall i find a balance between the needs and wishes of the other person and mine? sometimes it goes pretty easy, but there are also times when it’s cracking and you really need to talk or spent some time apart or find a new form for the way of being with each other.
there’s something else – this feeling of being close can be very fragile – but i don’t want to worry about this anymore (it’s hard) – at least i have to accept that everything and everyone are changing constantly – and there are these moments when i just feel so alive or loved or secure or everything at the same time and it just feels so right to be here with them at exactly this moment in time. these moments and to know that there are people i can count on in whatsoever situation mean a lot to me.

no love lost is a song by joy division.

der weg zu zweit ist halb so weit (the way in pairs is half thus far) is a song by grauzone (and one of the best love songs in my opinion)

find more recent thought on this topic here: where i end and you begin

3 Responses to “no love lost _ a zine about love // the way à deux is only half thus far.”
  1. anne says:

    hello there,
    i would love to read this zine. are there still copies available?

    take care, anne

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  1. […] starting this blog, but this year i managed to finish momo  1: touching from a distance as well as momo 2: no love lost – a zine about love, relationships and freedom. and then at the beginning of november i went to berlin to table at my very first zinefest with my […]

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